11:49 p.m. - 12-29-17
I fear that I have been thinking about this all wrong. I am always useful, if even just to myself. I need to learn that validation comes from within and that I am the only one that can make me happy. I want to try meditation and journaling to see if I can figure out exactly what it is that will make me happy. In the meantime I just need to keep reminding myself that I am only responsible for me and my feelings/reactions, everyone else is on their own.
I want to make a conscious effort to not let me talk myself out of things that I want. I will make an effort to remind myself that I did not make them "mad/sad/glad/crazy" that was a choice that they made. I cannot control other people's' reactions to things, but I can control my own. I feel as if I have been doing it wrong from the get go, I have been too passive.
I need to find my voice and be authentic and unapologetic. I need to believe that I am important despite how I am making myself feel.
Today I keep coming back to Glenn and how I think that I have made him mad by not going in to work today. Part of me doesn't really care if he is mad or not and that it is his own problem, because I haven't done anything wrong. There was no reason for me to be at work and I made sure that Bromley was going to be there in the morning. I even offered to come in and help him start organizing for the new year, but he got short and ended the text conversation. This part of me says, "Just let him have his hissy fit, and let it go. Don't acknowledge or engage in this behavior. The other timid, "I do everything wrong." part of me thinks that Glenn should be mad at me, and maybe I should have just gone in this morning and suffered and wasted company time and money. That it wasn't my decision to make about coming in or not even though Glenn is not my boss and we are equals.
I don't know why I get so caught up in things like this. I know it is partly because I want people to have a good impression of me, to know that I work hard and am reliable. I need to differentiate between the reality of the situation and my own self doubt, but it is so hard sometimes. I want to try to learn to be more assertive and confident in my own actions, especially when I believe strongly in something or that I believe I am in the right. I want to learn to accept that we all fail, and that failure is not a measure of yourself or your success, it merely means that you tried. I WANT TO BE BRAVE.