11:47 p.m. - 12-29-17
An experiment in growing the fuck up.
I dislike the idea of New Years resolutions.
That being said, some tough things have surfaced in my life that have made me question a lot. Enough to attempt to be brave enough to look deeper and question more about myself and who I want to be. I have to find it within myself to manifest the things I want in my life. By being stubborn and blaming Bill for how I was feeling about us, I was playing out my part in the cycle we seem to be stuck in.
I wanted to have a real conversation about us but I was the one that wasn't talking. I removed myself from the situation, holding out a hope for "why"? Why Bill chose to lie, even when I had given him the open door for honesty. I was stuck on a question that wasn't meant for me to find the answer to. I still needed to hear things from Bill, but I needed to be open to hearing it.
I also had to stop thinking, "I did it so easily, why can't you?" Setting up an unfair expectation for both of us to live up to. Why, if I love this man so much was I sabotaging us moving forward for weeks?! This was the question I needed to be asking. He was trying, but to me it seemed like molasses.
Corresponding through notes definitely helped reopen lines of communication in a "safe" way, but without a conversation things weren't going to be different. I told Bill that I was going to work on forgiving him and moving forward. To do this I needed to recognize I needed to be okay with being vulnerable in front of Bill. I don't know why I feel this overwhelming need to appear stoic, I have a feeling this has something to do with why I cry so much/easily. I needed to really forgive him, and I needed to be very clear about what I want from him and for us. I am open to working on how to do both things better.
I was reading about mindfulness and gratitude while attempting to learn how to properly forgive someone. (Stupid?) Sometimes I feel like I do not know how to handle certain social interactions, so I look up examples? Whatever. I am trying to be mindful of my feelings in the moment. Stopping, breathing deeply for a moment, then trying to process. I've opened lines of communication with Bill and have moved back to the bedroom. It's been 5 days as of right now. I've had to use this method twice since returning to a semi-normal existence. Once when Bill was sitting with me at the table for quite some time saying nothing. I came to the conclusion that I could just say something.
The next happened last night. He was acting rather strange when he got home from work. Doing familiar things that would make me think that he is messed up. I tried this breathe, process bs this time and it kinda worked. I still cried, but I just let myself cry. I asked him, he said no. I believe him. I believe him. I believe him. I have to remind myself for a few seconds while I let him explain and by the end, I believe him.
We've discussed what we both want in a house and I'll take it. I need to realize that while I was shouting "Not fair! Not fair!" I was also not putting in my whole part either. I want to learn how to better function in an adult relationship because I want to be with Bill.
